Today was....interesting. Confusing mostly. I had a very long, seemingly pointless talk with Levi. We talked about whether we should date or not. I changed my mind back and forth so many times during those 2 hours that I don't know what to think. I know the main thing that's holding me back is Adam. As I said before, he's so wonderfully perfect. He likes cats too, did I mention that? Loves them in fact, those were his words. I want to like him very badly. I think after my date with him, there's a chance I might get there. But I know I shouldn't have to work to have feelings for someone. I know any relationship will work out as long as you work for it and have the focus in the right areas. But that's not what I want. I want someone I can be myself with and who loves me in spite of that. I know that I'm probably hard to handle right now.
Again, tonight, I want to cry. For no reason. It comes on so suddenly. It was when I was getting out of Levi's car. Actually, I guess it started before that. It was after he wouldn't show me his pro/con list, which I knew about even though he tried to hide it. Very funny. After that I just started getting in a very weird mood. I wasn't mad he wouldn't show me or anything, but I felt like I had to act like I was somewhat upset about it because my mood changed so abruptly and I had nothing to attribute it to if he asked what was wrong. I don't want to explain it. But after I got out of his car, it just hit me again. Why am I like this? I want it to go away.
Anyways, I think I do want to date Levi. Despite Adam. A life with him would be great, no doubt, but Levi is someone I can have fun with all the time. I never have to hold back and he makes me so happy. I kissed him on the cheek for the first time tonight. I wish that had been our first kiss. Sweet and meaningful as opposed to impulsive and hungry. Does that make sense? A hungry kiss? Not in the literal sense of the word of course, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. This was a sweet kiss though. It was funny because it's been so long since I kissed someone on the cheek, I forgot if I was supposed to close my eyes or not. I ended up keeping them open but looking down, and I saw him look at me from the side of my eye. It made me laugh a little. He's a sweet guy. One thing that always comes to mind though is that he's not as gentlemanly as most of the guys I meet here. Like with opening doors and walking next to me so I don't trip on ice or something silly like that. It's nothing big, it doesn't even bother me. In fact it used to be the exact opposite. I didn't like it when guys opened doors for me. Now it seems normal. So maybe it bothers me a little bit since I'm aware of it? I'm not sure. I don't know if we'll end up dating or not. I'm afraid of losing him as a friend. He's the only other person I've connected with and I need that so badly.
I don't think he understands how valuable he is to me. I kind of tell him sometimes, about how deeply sad I am, but it just comes out as melodramatic. I sound whinny. Like I'm looking for attention, so I stop. I don't want to be perceived like that. So I just move on. What could he do about it anyways? Nothing. I don't even know what I need. But having him around helps me so much. I get to be happy again. I have fun and laugh because I can't help myself, not because I feel obligated to. I wonder if he gets annoyed by me. By my constant weird comments, disregard for others, things I say or do. I get annoyed with myself. I don't see how he couldn't. I hope he would just tell me if I was being obnoxious.
Dangit...crying again. I wish he was here. Someone to lean on. I would like a hug. But I don't want to put this on anyone. I know no one would understand. I would just seem weak. I'm not though. I just....cry. I don't know. Maybe I've pushed away the reasons for why I'm so upset. So I don't acknowledge them anymore, just feel it.
It's Valentine's Day. I'm alone. Nothing new there. It doesn't bother me but I think I would be happier if I had someone. Ah, now I'm annoying myself again. Crap...now I just told him I'm upset. Why did I do that? All that's going to result from that is him thinking I'm being dramatic or dumb. No good can come from it. Man I'm stupid sometimes.
Onto something else. Hopefully I can change the subject with him as quickly as I can on here. Chris texted me tonight. Saying "Happy Valentine's Day miss Gabby." He's a sweetheart. He has a love interest now. He told me about it because he wants to be with me. He didn't want to push me away I suppose. I told him to go for it. I hope he's happy. He's a wonderful guy. Happy Valentine's Day to you too my sweet friend. How can someone with some many people in her life be so sad? I think it's because none of them care about me solely as a friend. I feel they all want something more from me. Which is true. Most of the people in my life are guys who have a thing for me. It's frustrating.
"Love doesn't come in a minute, sometimes it doesn't come at all. I only know that when I'm in it, it isn't silly at all." That's my Valentine's Day quote. So true. When I'm alone, I hate love. I hate couples and people who have someone to look forward to seeing. People who get excited about dates or seeing that someone special. But when I have someone like that, it's not stupid. It's happy.
I think I'm allergic to grass. I am so itchy. I rolled down a hill today. Haven't done that in a long time, actually maybe never. I don't remember ever doing that. I may have just displaced memories from movies I watched with my own childhood memories. But it was fun. I got very dizzy. I think I'll start playing the piano again. I've missed it.
I'm getting random now so I guess I'm out of things to say. Levi just texted me. We've been talking since he dropped me off. He says he's sorry I'm sad, I'm glad he overlooked it, and he would hang out all night if he didn't have so much to do. He said he had studying, midterms, V-day, school, work, etc. What does that even mean? Why would he include V-day? It only insinuates that he has plans, and they're not with me. I don't like the implications. Hello depression. I am Gabby aching soul.
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