Today was a bland, boring, think about my life too much kind of day. My sleep schedule is completely backwards. I stay up until about 4 in the morning and, as was the case today, don't wake until 2 in the afternoon. Which further adds to my growing depressing. I feel useless. I know there are things I want to do but the urge to sleep overpowers.
This morning, although I did sleep until 2, I woke up at about 9, concerned about getting ready because my friend Chris was supposed to come over (which I later realized is tomorrow at 11, not today) and I wanted to...well...NOT be in my pajamas. I awoke again around 10 to a phone call from my friend Richard apologizing about the previous night and asking if we could try being friends. I'll tell more of both of these men later. Then, shortly after, ANOTHER phone call! I capitalize because basically no one calls me except for my mom which I usually ignore. I always call back though. But I digress! After these minor interruptions, I returned to my slumber.
I then woke up and watched some movies on Netflix seeing as how I had nothing better to do. It was mostly a show called Better Off Ted which I will be watching more of. It's funny. I find it relatable because the female boss is somewhat cold and unfeeling and I can relate to her because that is how many people see me. Although I feel she is an extreme example of my situation.
That in itself is part of the reason why I have begun to feel increasingly more depressed over the past few months. It concerns me because I know severe depression runs in my family. I find myself, awake and alone between the hours of 2-5 in the morning, unable to do anything else but curl up in the middle of the living room and weep. Weep is the most accurate word because my sadness is senseless, I do not moan or sob, soft tears just stream down my cheeks, silently. There's something about crying....I'm not sure what it is, but it's something about the way tears feel inching down your face. Warm at first, but leaving a chill as the air hits the trail it leaves behind. I like it in a way. And it always makes me sleep better. Like turkey.
I missed the point I was trying to make in that last paragraph. The point was: People don't like me. I come off as cold and rude when I don't mean to. I think it is heavily attributed to my sarcastic sense of humor. People don't know how to take it. When people tell a nonsensical joke, I say something about it when they hope people will just move past and ignore it. I don't mean to do this, Chelsy is actually the one who brings it to my attention. I want to be liked though. I don't need approval, I just want friends. Someone I can talk to without holding back. I've tried reaching out, but the only people I know who are options at the moment are ex boyfriends. I don't need a boyfriend. I need someone who cares. I am so lonely. Whenever I think about it, I feel myself beginning to cry again and force myself to stop which results in that burning sensation in the bridge of your nose. Comparable to swimming and breathing in water. It's painful, but better than encountering someone after you've let tears smear your makeup and distort your face into a red, goopy mess. Everyone always knows....noes...everyone always noes...haha pun.
I am sad today.
Earlier I played the guitar a little. That makes me happy but I like fingerpicking songs and have run out of ones I want to learn. As for the decaying cheese pizza, I work at a dominos and we get to eat the mess up pizzas. Sounds nice, but very shortly after they come out of the over, they begin to steadily decrease
in deliciousness. Decay.
I need a friend.
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