Valentine's Day...oh dear what a mess. I stayed in bed until literally 4 o'clock and felt bad about myself for that, but really, what did i have to get up for? I watched the Black Swan and Hot Tub Time Machine. Both good movies. The former, a bit disturbing but very well made. I am a fan of Natalie Portman. After that, I went to the store, or shall I say, started my walk to the store, but was intercepted by my old home teacher whom I am almost positive has a crush on me. He and his friend were on their way to Macy's to get Valentine's gifts and could use a feminine touch as I could use a ride, so we helped eachother out. I got some lunch then came home to make it whilst sitting down to yet another movie. I got bored with that one so I went to the lodge with my computer and played the piano for about 3 hours. It was nice. I enjoyed myself.
While playing, I ended up talking to Jake whom I have decided somewhat reminds me of Levi. Both handsome and devastatingly witty. As usual, he was still innuendoes and perverted. I wish I could say I put a stop to this behavior, but I was lonely and sad about being alone on the day of love, so I encouraged him in a way. He has a way of getting in my head and breaking down my walls, and not in a good way. I should cut him out of my life. But I never really put a solid end to things with him. It just kind of faded because I was tired of a strictly physical relationship. It makes it harder that he worships me in a way. He makes me feel like the most beautiful, desirable thing that has ever graced this earth. No girl can walk away from that. But I won't ever do anything with him again. I'm past that now. The locket I wear around my neck is my promise to myself. I will remain pure for my husband and never hurt him like that again.
Before the piano playing, I sat by the door in my room listening to sad songs and cried. Pathetic. I was even appalled by the cliche, myself. A single girl crying to sad love songs on Valentine's Day. How original. Barf. I cleaned myself up eventually.
Still confused about Levi. I think he said he still wanted to date me. And I'm almost certain I could make it happen. I can be very influential in peoples decisions if I try, but i don't want to do that. I don't want to manipulate him. I want him to want to be with me for sure, no hesitations, no doubts. And I want to be sure of it as well. I don't know why I'm not...I've never had so much fun with another man in my life. And he has excellent self control. When I was all ready to heavily make out with him and do questionable things, he put a stop to it, even though I was more or less throwing myself at him. I regretted testing his strength, but I was very impressed. It would be easy to be good with him. I wonder if I'll ever show this to him...Even putting that question in words scares me because I don't want the possibility of him, or anyone else for that matter, to change how I put my thoughts down. I want to stay completely open and honest. Which I am with him. I've never held anything back. But he doesn't know the extent of my past. I think he would still accept me for it, after all, he must have some idea of why I need to go and talk to the bishop, but it's still scary. I don't want him to think less of me.
I was thinking earlier how strange it is that a single girl could have so many men after her...and it's not like I'm the only one pushing them away. They all have hesitations too. Jake, Chris, Richard, Jordan, Jordyn, Adam, and of course Levi. Yet out of all of them, I would choose Levi. Why is he so different? I confused him yesterday about Adam. As I've said before, I want to like Adam but there hasn't been a spark and I usually know how I feel about a person fairly quickly. He's such a wonderful guy but it's just not there. I told Levi I wanted it to go somewhere just because he's so good. And to Levi, and to me as well, this sounded bad. Like Levi was being put second. A backup in case I decided there was for sure nothing with adam. I don't like that he feels that way. I would be everything he wanted if we were together. I devote everything I have to a relationship when I'm in one. I wonder if we would be good together. For some reason, I have a feeling I will find out. I just hope it doesn't ruin our wonderful friendship. I like him a lot.
We were making brownies at his apartment the other night and while we were in the kitchen alone, I couldn't help but think to myself, "This is what it would be like if we were married." Cooking together. So normal...I want to be married. It would make things easier. But I'm so afraid of ending up with the wrong person. I think it holds me back from a lot of good opportunities. But maybe not. Maybe I just know what I want, or rather what I don't want.
Adam looks a lot like my step dad as a teenager...that freaks me out.
Computer is going to die soon. I suppose I'll try and go to sleep. I wish Levi was here.
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