I got back yesterday from a weekend with Chelsy, Tyson (her boyfriend), and Adam (Tyson's roommate/love interest of mine). It was a wonderful weekend. We played in the snow, ate delicious food, laughed, watched movies, went to church, sang, played really fun games. It was great. Adam and I have been beating around the bush of something between us for quite a while now. We go out together, usually with Chels and Tyson, but really enjoy eachother's company. He is the perfect man. When I imagine what I want in a husband, it's him: sweet, kind, considerate, giving, selfless, smart, he's going somewhere in life, good with kids, handsome, tall, pretty eyes, religious, insightful. If I go on with this list any longer, it will become all too clear that I'm only trying to convince myself. He's everything I want, but I don't want him. I enjoy being around him, I can't help but admire all he is, but it's just not there. I'm trying so hard to be open to it, to make something happen, but it shouldn't be like that should it?
I'm still giving it a chance. And now it's more complicated. This weekend he put his arm around me and held my hand. Something I'm pretty much used to, but apparently to him, it's a big deal. He's not typically that affectionate with girls. The following information comes from Tyson/Chelsy: He had a girlfriend freshman year for a while and Tyson never saw anything. No displays of affection whatsoever. However, Chelsy says that may have been due to the fact that he was going on a mission. That would make sense. He's at a new point in his life so maybe now he feels more comfortable opening the doors of affection. Also, he was VERY affectionate this weekend. Even by my standards. It wasn't just arm around the shoulder or hand holding, it was him laying his head on my lap or stroking my arm mindlessly. These are things couples do. And on top of all that, we were staying at his mom's best friend's house! Which means his mom is going to know all about it. That adds much more weight to what went on. His hands are clammy just like mine. I found that funny and comforting.
We were sitting on the couch playing some silly escape game on the computer. Suddenly he took a serious tone, moved his hand to mine and said, "We've come a long way in just three days. What condition do you see us in when we get back?" or something to that effect. I freaked out. I don't know if I'm ready to date him, I don't even know if I like him enough for that, and here we are, after three days in a carefree paradise, and he's asking me what we are. I resorted to my typical sarcasm to diffuse the situation, "Well I was kind of hoping to be in the same condition...I do hope to get back in one piece...non injured and all." He knew what was up. I could tell. I had disappointed him by not taking it seriously. But what was I supposed to say?
What makes it all the more complicated is that he's in a very tough part of his life. His parents are separated and he's taking it very hard. We had a good conversation about it, too short in my opinion. He asked me about my life without a dad and we connected in a way I haven't with another person before. Maybe it's because I don't know many other people who come from broken families. He said he enjoyed being around me because I helped loosen him up, helped him forget about all that. I'm glad for that. I think that's why I'm in his life. My mom always used to say, "Friends come and go as you need them." and that holds so much truth to me. Maybe I'm here because he needs me. I don't know what to do now. He said he'd call me today and I believe him wholeheartedly. He invited me to a dueling piano bar on Friday. I'm pretty excited for that. This is what life with him would be like. Things I've always wanted to do...He plays the viola and the piano. He has a voice that makes my heart melt and harmonizes beautifully. I love hearing him sing in church and we harmonize together sometimes. I love that. I still don't take the sacrament. Not because I've done anything bad lately, but because I haven't talked to the bishop yet, at least not completely. I haven't completed the process. And the last time I talked to him, I wasn't supposed to take the sacrament. That restriction made me cry last Sunday. I realized I miss it. Adam always leans forward and closes his eyes to pray when the sacrament comes. That in itself is admirable. But Chelsy pointed out to me that it seems like it's to make me feel more comfortable about not taking the sacrament. To show that he is not passing judgement. How sweet is that...what a wonderful man. I want to fall in love with him.
When I got back, I called up Levi and we hung out. I always have so much fun with him. We went to the mall and I dressed him. The best I found was a while collared shirt, skinny tie, and a vest. He looked very handsome. Then we went out for ice cream. The really good kind that's frozen with liquid nitrogen. Then we dropped it off at my apartment and Tyson was there studying with Chelsy, which means Adam knows Levi was there. Kind of bad. But we aren't dating so I don't think he gets to be too upset about it. Then we went to a park and played around. He always pushes me really high on the swings. I have a fear of going over the top pole. It's silly, I know. Then we just stood on one of the slide platforms and hugged. It was really nice. I like hugging Levi. I gave him a real kiss in the car. It felt good. Sweet. I could see a future with him that night. I imagined him talking to my parents with us a married couple. Him sarcastically responding to my mom saying something like, "Oh the dish soap is right there." after we finished with family dinner, and him pointing to the soap 2 inches away saying, "Oh..you mean....this soap? Labeled dish soap? Should I just go ahead and pour it on this pan?" Something silly like that. But it was nice. Marrying my best friend. What could be bad about that? Of course we aren't there yet, we're not even dating. But we do act like we are. And I know that if we made it official it would either end in not being friends anymore, or...marriage. I'm afraid. So many times I've been so ready to just BE with someone and now I just can't imagine it. I'm so afraid of ending up with the wrong person.
Adam is too. Pretty much all the men in his family have gotten divorced. That scares him. So for now, I won't kiss him for a long time, not until I'm very sure, and I'll just be there for him. I think he needs that. And I'm more than willing to offer it. He's so helpful. He gave me the number for a lady him and his mom know at Brick Oven for a job. I'm going to call now. What a good man.
Oh, one more thing. On the trip when we were all packing up to leave, my mom called. I missed it but called her back because the message said she needed to talk to me. When I called back she said she had been in the Tri-Cities and had been talking to my aunt about some hard stuff I had been going through. Marshall helps troubled teens and asked her if I was depressed so she asked me. I was shocked. Of all the things they could have talked about, they talk about the one main thing that's taking over my life. It was a miracle. I'll tell her everything. I'm not past asking for help. I do want to be happy. Thank you mom. I love you.
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