He's Everything You Want....

I got back yesterday from a weekend with Chelsy, Tyson (her boyfriend), and Adam (Tyson's roommate/love interest of mine). It was a wonderful weekend. We played in the snow, ate delicious food, laughed, watched movies, went to church, sang, played really fun games. It was great. Adam and I have been beating around the bush of something between us for quite a while now. We go out together, usually with Chels and Tyson, but really enjoy eachother's company. He is the perfect man. When I imagine what I want in a husband, it's him: sweet, kind, considerate, giving, selfless, smart, he's going somewhere in life, good with kids, handsome, tall, pretty eyes, religious, insightful. If I go on with this list any longer, it will become all too clear that I'm only trying to convince myself. He's everything I want, but I don't want him. I enjoy being around him, I can't help but admire all he is, but it's just not there. I'm trying so hard to be open to it, to make something happen, but it shouldn't be like that should it?

I'm still giving it a chance. And now it's more complicated. This weekend he put his arm around me and held my hand. Something I'm pretty much used to, but apparently to him, it's a big deal. He's not typically that affectionate with girls. The following information comes from Tyson/Chelsy: He had a girlfriend freshman year for a while and Tyson never saw anything. No displays of affection whatsoever. However, Chelsy says that may have been due to the fact that he was going on a mission. That would make sense. He's at a new point in his life so maybe now he feels more comfortable opening the doors of affection. Also, he was VERY affectionate this weekend. Even by my standards. It wasn't just arm around the shoulder or hand holding, it was him laying his head on my lap or stroking my arm mindlessly. These are things couples do. And on top of all that, we were staying at his mom's best friend's house! Which means his mom is going to know all about it. That adds much more weight to what went on. His hands are clammy just like mine. I found that funny and comforting.

We were sitting on the couch playing some silly escape game on the computer. Suddenly he took a serious tone, moved his hand to mine and said, "We've come a long way in just three days. What condition do you see us in when we get back?" or something to that effect. I freaked out. I don't know if I'm ready to date him, I don't even know if I like him enough for that, and here we are, after three days in a carefree paradise, and he's asking me what we are. I resorted to my typical sarcasm to diffuse the situation, "Well I was kind of hoping to be in the same condition...I do hope to get back in one piece...non injured and all." He knew what was up. I could tell. I had disappointed him by not taking it seriously. But what was I supposed to say?

What makes it all the more complicated is that he's in a very tough part of his life. His parents are separated and he's taking it very hard. We had a good conversation about it, too short in my opinion. He asked me about my life without a dad and we connected in a way I haven't with another person before. Maybe it's because I don't know many other people who come from broken families. He said he enjoyed being around me because I helped loosen him up, helped him forget about all that. I'm glad for that. I think that's why I'm in his life. My mom always used to say, "Friends come and go as you need them." and that holds so much truth to me. Maybe I'm here because he needs me. I don't know what to do now. He said he'd call me today and I believe him wholeheartedly. He invited me to a dueling piano bar on Friday. I'm pretty excited for that. This is what life with him would be like. Things I've always wanted to do...He plays the viola and the piano. He has a voice that makes my heart melt and harmonizes beautifully. I love hearing him sing in church and we harmonize together sometimes. I love that. I still don't take the sacrament. Not because I've done anything bad lately, but because I haven't talked to the bishop yet, at least not completely. I haven't completed the process. And the last time I talked to him, I wasn't supposed to take the sacrament. That restriction made me cry last Sunday. I realized I miss it. Adam always leans forward and closes his eyes to pray when the sacrament comes. That in itself is admirable. But Chelsy pointed out to me that it seems like it's to make me feel more comfortable about not taking the sacrament. To show that he is not passing judgement. How sweet is that...what a wonderful man. I want to fall in love with him.

When I got back, I called up Levi and we hung out. I always have so much fun with him. We went to the mall and I dressed him. The best I found was a while collared shirt, skinny tie, and a vest. He looked very handsome. Then we went out for ice cream. The really good kind that's frozen with liquid nitrogen. Then we dropped it off at my apartment and Tyson was there studying with Chelsy, which means Adam knows Levi was there. Kind of bad. But we aren't dating so I don't think he gets to be too upset about it. Then we went to a park and played around. He always pushes me really high on the swings. I have a fear of going over the top pole. It's silly, I know. Then we just stood on one of the slide platforms and hugged. It was really nice. I like hugging Levi. I gave him a real kiss in the car. It felt good. Sweet. I could see a future with him that night. I imagined him talking to my parents with us a married couple. Him sarcastically responding to my mom saying something like, "Oh the dish soap is right there." after we finished with family dinner, and him pointing to the soap 2 inches away saying, "Oh..you mean....this soap? Labeled dish soap? Should I just go ahead and pour it on this pan?" Something silly like that. But it was nice. Marrying my best friend. What could be bad about that? Of course we aren't there yet, we're not even dating. But we do act like we are. And I know that if we made it official it would either end in not being friends anymore, or...marriage. I'm afraid. So many times I've been so ready to just BE with someone and now I just can't imagine it. I'm so afraid of ending up with the wrong person.

Adam is too. Pretty much all the men in his family have gotten divorced. That scares him. So for now, I won't kiss him for a long time, not until I'm very sure, and I'll just be there for him. I think he needs that. And I'm more than willing to offer it. He's so helpful. He gave me the number for a lady him and his mom know at Brick Oven for a job. I'm going to call now. What a good man.

Oh, one more thing. On the trip when we were all packing up to leave, my mom called. I missed it but called her back because the message said she needed to talk to me. When I called back she said she had been in the Tri-Cities and had been talking to my aunt about some hard stuff I had been going through. Marshall helps troubled teens and asked her if I was depressed so she asked me. I was shocked. Of all the things they could have talked about, they talk about the one main thing that's taking over my life. It was a miracle. I'll tell her everything. I'm not past asking for help. I do want to be happy. Thank you mom. I love you.

I love love, I love being in love. I don't care what it does to me.

Valentine's Day...oh dear what a mess. I stayed in bed until literally 4 o'clock and felt bad about myself for that, but really, what did i have to get up for? I watched the Black Swan and Hot Tub Time Machine. Both good movies. The former, a bit disturbing but very well made. I am a fan of Natalie Portman. After that, I went to the store, or shall I say, started my walk to the store, but was intercepted by my old home teacher whom I am almost positive has a crush on me. He and his friend were on their way to Macy's to get Valentine's gifts and could use a feminine touch as I could use a ride, so we helped eachother out. I got some lunch then came home to make it whilst sitting down to yet another movie. I got bored with that one so I went to the lodge with my computer and played the piano for about 3 hours. It was nice. I enjoyed myself.

While playing, I ended up talking to Jake whom I have decided somewhat reminds me of Levi. Both handsome and devastatingly witty. As usual, he was still innuendoes and perverted. I wish I could say I put a stop to this behavior, but I was lonely and sad about being alone on the day of love, so I encouraged him in a way. He has a way of getting in my head and breaking down my walls, and not in a good way. I should cut him out of my life. But I never really put a solid end to things with him. It just kind of faded because I was tired of a strictly physical relationship. It makes it harder that he worships me in a way. He makes me feel like the most beautiful, desirable thing that has ever graced this earth. No girl can walk away from that. But I won't ever do anything with him again. I'm past that now. The locket I wear around my neck is my promise to myself. I will remain pure for my husband and never hurt him like that again.

Before the piano playing, I sat by the door in my room listening to sad songs and cried. Pathetic. I was even appalled by the cliche, myself. A single girl crying to sad love songs on Valentine's Day. How original. Barf. I cleaned myself up eventually.

Still confused about Levi. I think he said he still wanted to date me. And I'm almost certain I could make it happen. I can be very influential in peoples decisions if I try, but i don't want to do that. I don't want to manipulate him. I want him to want to be with me for sure, no hesitations, no doubts. And I want to be sure of it as well. I don't know why I'm not...I've never had so much fun with another man in my life. And he has excellent self control. When I was all ready to heavily make out with him and do questionable things, he put a stop to it, even though I was more or less throwing myself at him. I regretted testing his strength, but I was very impressed. It would be easy to be good with him. I wonder if I'll ever show this to him...Even putting that question in words scares me because I don't want the possibility of him, or anyone else for that matter, to change how I put my thoughts down. I want to stay completely open and honest. Which I am with him. I've never held anything back. But he doesn't know the extent of my past. I think he would still accept me for it, after all, he must have some idea of why I need to go and talk to the bishop, but it's still scary. I don't want him to think less of me.

I was thinking earlier how strange it is that a single girl could have so many men after her...and it's not like I'm the only one pushing them away. They all have hesitations too. Jake, Chris, Richard, Jordan, Jordyn, Adam, and of course Levi. Yet out of all of them, I would choose Levi. Why is he so different? I confused him yesterday about Adam. As I've said before, I want to like Adam but there hasn't been a spark and I usually know how I feel about a person fairly quickly. He's such a wonderful guy but it's just not there. I told Levi I wanted it to go somewhere just because he's so good. And to Levi, and to me as well, this sounded bad. Like Levi was being put second. A backup in case I decided there was for sure nothing with adam. I don't like that he feels that way. I would be everything he wanted if we were together. I devote everything I have to a relationship when I'm in one. I wonder if we would be good together. For some reason, I have a feeling I will find out. I just hope it doesn't ruin our wonderful friendship. I like him a lot.

We were making brownies at his apartment the other night and while we were in the kitchen alone, I couldn't help but think to myself, "This is what it would be like if we were married." Cooking together. So normal...I want to be married. It would make things easier. But I'm so afraid of ending up with the wrong person. I think it holds me back from a lot of good opportunities. But maybe not. Maybe I just know what I want, or rather what I don't want.

Adam looks a lot like my step dad as a teenager...that freaks me out.

Computer is going to die soon. I suppose I'll try and go to sleep. I wish Levi was here.

Valentine's, Shmalentine's

Today was....interesting. Confusing mostly. I had a very long, seemingly pointless talk with Levi. We talked about whether we should date or not. I changed my mind back and forth so many times during those 2 hours that I don't know what to think. I know the main thing that's holding me back is Adam. As I said before, he's so wonderfully perfect. He likes cats too, did I mention that? Loves them in fact, those were his words. I want to like him very badly. I think after my date with him, there's a chance I might get there. But I know I shouldn't have to work to have feelings for someone. I know any relationship will work out as long as you work for it and have the focus in the right areas. But that's not what I want. I want someone I can be myself with and who loves me in spite of that. I know that I'm probably hard to handle right now.

Again, tonight, I want to cry. For no reason. It comes on so suddenly. It was when I was getting out of Levi's car. Actually, I guess it started before that. It was after he wouldn't show me his pro/con list, which I knew about even though he tried to hide it. Very funny. After that I just started getting in a very weird mood. I wasn't mad he wouldn't show me or anything, but I felt like I had to act like I was somewhat upset about it because my mood changed so abruptly and I had nothing to attribute it to if he asked what was wrong. I don't want to explain it. But after I got out of his car, it just hit me again. Why am I like this? I want it to go away.

Anyways, I think I do want to date Levi. Despite Adam. A life with him would be great, no doubt, but Levi is someone I can have fun with all the time. I never have to hold back and he makes me so happy. I kissed him on the cheek for the first time tonight. I wish that had been our first kiss. Sweet and meaningful as opposed to impulsive and hungry. Does that make sense? A hungry kiss? Not in the literal sense of the word of course, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. This was a sweet kiss though. It was funny because it's been so long since I kissed someone on the cheek, I forgot if I was supposed to close my eyes or not. I ended up keeping them open but looking down, and I saw him look at me from the side of my eye. It made me laugh a little. He's a sweet guy. One thing that always comes to mind though is that he's not as gentlemanly as most of the guys I meet here. Like with opening doors and walking next to me so I don't trip on ice or something silly like that. It's nothing big, it doesn't even bother me. In fact it used to be the exact opposite. I didn't like it when guys opened doors for me. Now it seems normal. So maybe it bothers me a little bit since I'm aware of it? I'm not sure. I don't know if we'll end up dating or not. I'm afraid of losing him as a friend. He's the only other person I've connected with and I need that so badly.

I don't think he understands how valuable he is to me. I kind of tell him sometimes, about how deeply sad I am, but it just comes out as melodramatic. I sound whinny. Like I'm looking for attention, so I stop. I don't want to be perceived like that. So I just move on. What could he do about it anyways? Nothing. I don't even know what I need. But having him around helps me so much. I get to be happy again. I have fun and laugh because I can't help myself, not because I feel obligated to. I wonder if he gets annoyed by me. By my constant weird comments, disregard for others, things I say or do. I get annoyed with myself. I don't see how he couldn't. I hope he would just tell me if I was being obnoxious.

Dangit...crying again. I wish he was here. Someone to lean on. I would like a hug. But I don't want to put this on anyone. I know no one would understand. I would just seem weak. I'm not though. I just....cry. I don't know. Maybe I've pushed away the reasons for why I'm so upset. So I don't acknowledge them anymore, just feel it.

It's Valentine's Day. I'm alone. Nothing new there. It doesn't bother me but I think I would be happier if I had someone. Ah, now I'm annoying myself again. Crap...now I just told him I'm upset. Why did I do that? All that's going to result from that is him thinking I'm being dramatic or dumb. No good can come from it. Man I'm stupid sometimes.

Onto something else. Hopefully I can change the subject with him as quickly as I can on here. Chris texted me tonight. Saying "Happy Valentine's Day miss Gabby." He's a sweetheart. He has a love interest now. He told me about it because he wants to be with me. He didn't want to push me away I suppose. I told him to go for it. I hope he's happy. He's a wonderful guy. Happy Valentine's Day to you too my sweet friend. How can someone with some many people in her life be so sad? I think it's because none of them care about me solely as a friend. I feel they all want something more from me. Which is true. Most of the people in my life are guys who have a thing for me. It's frustrating.

"Love doesn't come in a minute, sometimes it doesn't come at all. I only know that when I'm in it, it isn't silly at all." That's my Valentine's Day quote. So true. When I'm alone, I hate love. I hate couples and people who have someone to look forward to seeing. People who get excited about dates or seeing that someone special. But when I have someone like that, it's not stupid. It's happy.

I think I'm allergic to grass. I am so itchy. I rolled down a hill today. Haven't done that in a long time, actually maybe never. I don't remember ever doing that. I may have just displaced memories from movies I watched with my own childhood memories. But it was fun. I got very dizzy. I think I'll start playing the piano again. I've missed it.

I'm getting random now so I guess I'm out of things to say. Levi just texted me. We've been talking since he dropped me off. He says he's sorry I'm sad, I'm glad he overlooked it, and he would hang out all night if he didn't have so much to do. He said he had studying, midterms, V-day, school, work, etc. What does that even mean? Why would he include V-day? It only insinuates that he has plans, and they're not with me. I don't like the implications. Hello depression. I am Gabby aching soul.

DANGIT!!!

So on Friday I went into work at 11 to help my boss. He wanted me to go home at 2, then come back at 4. For some reason, this small little act brought all the injustices from this job to my mind. I started thinking about how they kept telling me I was going to get promoted but had been pushing me off for about 4 weeks and how I would be scheduled for 4 hours but get sent home after one. So when my boss told me to go home at 2 I told him I was unhappy with the instability of the hours and that I had not been told whether I would be promoted or not. I told him I didn't know if there was anything he could do about that or if I should find a different job. he told me to find a different job. So i didn't go back. Now, once again, I am unemployed and stressed out.

I think I can get a good secretarial job and be fine, but I only have 160 dollars to get me through and I'll most likely have to use that for rent.

In other news, I am making friends. Levi worked at the laundry with me and Chelsy and me and him clicked right away. He is super cool. He totally gets my humor just like Chelsy and even when I feel like I'm being too weird, he just brushes it off. I can be completely honest with him which is so nice. He'll be good to have since Chelsy is leaving. The only problem is that we kind of had a thing for about a week so I don't know if I want to date him, or if it's just a result of being lonely and sad. Part of me doesn't want to start anything because I don't really see a relationship with him going anywhere, but part of me really does because out of all, and I mean all, the guys I've known, he's the one I can be most myself around. But I do wonder if I have the potential to be that way with anyone since I am so open.

I am trying so hard to like Adam. He is so perfect. Funny, charming, considerate, SMART!, whitty, and he is going to do so well in life. But there's just something holding me back. We'll see how that goes. We're going up to Snowbird with him this weekend. That will determine my feelings most likely. I'm really excited because he's supposed to buy a Kinects with the fun dance game. Apparently I was a persuasive factor in getting him to buy one. Because "you should have seen Gabby on the date last night. I have never seen her have so much fun and be so happy." to which he replied, "Should I get one?" I'm flattered that me liking the game so much held so much weight.

I curled my hair with the flat iron today. It looks really good. I am happy with it. It makes me feel pretty again. I hate to say it, because vanity bothers me a lot...A LOT.... but I think a contributing factor to why I've been feeling so down is because I don't feel good about myself as much since I cut my hair. I'm glad I did though. I don't want to be defined by the way I look. Even if I do feel better about myself when I look good.

Me and Chelsy just watched the "Teach Me How to Jerk" video. I really like dancing with her because I am much less inhibited now. I want to learn to dance well so i can feel confident when I do it. A guy who can dance is also very attractive.

Hm...that's about all I've got right now, or all i can bring myself to write. i get bored of writing pretty quickly.

Another day, another dollar. Or...quarter.

Tonight I'm supposed to watch Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World with Levi, who I somewhat dated but really now we just...well...makeout. I kind of don't want to hang out with him tonight because he's been alluding to the fact that he might want to date Chelsy. Not cool. I don't care if we didn't officially date, or if I told him I didn't think we should, you DO NOT date the best friend of the girl you get involved with. What makes it worse is that when I asked him why he chose me over chelsy, the only reason he could give was that he was more attracted to me. That was rant number one.

Number two. Not only have I not been promoted yet, I always get told to go home before the very few hours that I am scheduled are up. I really hope I get that other job.

Chelsy isn't home. I get increasingly more upset when I think about the fact that she is leaving me to go on a mission. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her, but I am going to miss her so much. She's my first friend. I know that sounds pathetic and untruthful, but I assure you it is a fact. Well...now that I think about it, maybe second because of Corinn. Who is awesome. But she's all the way in Idaho. But chelsy is the first person I've really connected with. Who I miss when they're gone. In a non romantic way, regardless of all the gay jokes we make with eachother. She's helped form the person I am and honestly, I don't know what i'll do without her.

I learned a new song on the guitar and laid down tracks for it in Garage Band. The song is called Airliner by Julia Sheer. It sounds pretty cool. I showed it to Chris today and he really likes it. He would be a good friend if he wasn't trying to get me to marry him. I just don't think we would be good together.

I smell like pizza. Rant number three. my work pants don't have big enough pockets. The only one I have to put my tip money in, which is always change, is a pocket in the front the size of chapstick tube. That better have been its intended purpose or else heads are going to roll.

Guitar and Decaying cheese pizza

Today was a bland, boring, think about my life too much kind of day. My sleep schedule is completely backwards. I stay up until about 4 in the morning and, as was the case today, don't wake until 2 in the afternoon. Which further adds to my growing depressing. I feel useless. I know there are things I want to do but the urge to sleep overpowers.

This morning, although I did sleep until 2, I woke up at about 9, concerned about getting ready because my friend Chris was supposed to come over (which I later realized is tomorrow at 11, not today) and I wanted to...well...NOT be in my pajamas. I awoke again around 10 to a phone call from my friend Richard apologizing about the previous night and asking if we could try being friends. I'll tell more of both of these men later. Then, shortly after, ANOTHER phone call! I capitalize because basically no one calls me except for my mom which I usually ignore. I always call back though. But I digress! After these minor interruptions, I returned to my slumber.

I then woke up and watched some movies on Netflix seeing as how I had nothing better to do. It was mostly a show called Better Off Ted which I will be watching more of. It's funny. I find it relatable because the female boss is somewhat cold and unfeeling and I can relate to her because that is how many people see me. Although I feel she is an extreme example of my situation.

That in itself is part of the reason why I have begun to feel increasingly more depressed over the past few months. It concerns me because I know severe depression runs in my family. I find myself, awake and alone between the hours of 2-5 in the morning, unable to do anything else but curl up in the middle of the living room and weep. Weep is the most accurate word because my sadness is senseless, I do not moan or sob, soft tears just stream down my cheeks, silently. There's something about crying....I'm not sure what it is, but it's something about the way tears feel inching down your face. Warm at first, but leaving a chill as the air hits the trail it leaves behind. I like it in a way. And it always makes me sleep better. Like turkey.

I missed the point I was trying to make in that last paragraph. The point was: People don't like me. I come off as cold and rude when I don't mean to. I think it is heavily attributed to my sarcastic sense of humor. People don't know how to take it. When people tell a nonsensical joke, I say something about it when they hope people will just move past and ignore it. I don't mean to do this, Chelsy is actually the one who brings it to my attention. I want to be liked though. I don't need approval, I just want friends. Someone I can talk to without holding back. I've tried reaching out, but the only people I know who are options at the moment are ex boyfriends. I don't need a boyfriend. I need someone who cares. I am so lonely. Whenever I think about it, I feel myself beginning to cry again and force myself to stop which results in that burning sensation in the bridge of your nose. Comparable to swimming and breathing in water. It's painful, but better than encountering someone after you've let tears smear your makeup and distort your face into a red, goopy mess. Everyone always knows....noes...everyone always noes...haha pun.

I am sad today.

Earlier I played the guitar a little. That makes me happy but I like fingerpicking songs and have run out of ones I want to learn. As for the decaying cheese pizza, I work at a dominos and we get to eat the mess up pizzas. Sounds nice, but very shortly after they come out of the over, they begin to steadily decrease
in deliciousness. Decay.

I need a friend.

Introductions

Well, let me start off by introducing myself. My name is Gabby, I am in college right now, although currently not enrolled in classes so I can save money. It's sad because that was the main purpose in my life and now it feels a little lacking. Hence the blog.

I have a unique sense of humor, at least I find very few who share it where I am. It's ridiculously quirky, somewhat obnoxious, sarcastic, and consists mostly of puns. And cat humor. Which is always funny for some reason.

Everytime someone asks about me, the only thing that comes to mind, and my default response, is music. I love music. I love to listen to it for hours on end, and play it as much as I can. I play lots of instruments including: Cello, Piano, Guitar, and Ukulele. The instrument of choice for me right now is the guitar because I can sing with it.

I used to live in Mexico, although NOT born there, as many of my RACIST friends like to say. It was one of the best times in my life. I want to go back someday. I am of latin descent. My mom is Mexican, my dad, Honduran.

My parents divorced when I was very young so I don't think I harbor any deep set daddy issues because of it. I consider my step dad my father figure. He was always there for me once he and my mom got married. And he gave me siblings! Something which my mother never indulged me with...so selfish. They are sweet kids and I love them to death. I think about them often and wish I could visit more.

I plan to use this as somewhat of an online diary. For a reason I can't quite place, I hope people read it. Not because I want approval or even agreement, just because I want someone to listen to what I have to say. I don't plan on holding back. Also I don't plan on letting people I know see it. Except maybe Chelsy. Who is my roommate/best friend. She'll show up a lot in this no doubt.

Well...it's late. Off to bed, even though there's nothing forcing me to get up in the morning. Lets be honest. I'll probably play around on my computer for another 3 hours. Nice one Gabby.