Not again...

I'm so sad...I'm holding in the sobs that I know people will hear and it's so hard that it makes my head throb. Adam knew something was up so I told him I was sad because either way, I was going to be alone when Chelsy left. Either mission or boyfriend. But he'll be gone too. I am sad about that. I was afraid of being alone when everything fell apart before and I can't help but be afraid it will happen again. I will miss her so much. She's the only real friend I've ever had. You can't just make relationships like that out of nothing. I know it will never be the same again. I don't want it to change.

But the worst part is that that's not even it...I don't know why my heart hurts so badly right now. Earlier today everything was wonderful. It was pouring rain outside but I was happy. Everything was beautiful and I felt good. Better than I've ever felt before even. So why is this happeneing? WHy can't i just be happy...who's doing this to me...Part of me wants to ask him to come back and make this all go away, but I don't want him to see me this way. I don't want to be a burden. It's so senseless and I know he'll talk and try and make it better when I don't even know what can. I just want to cry. It feels good in some twisted way. I know it will be better tomorrow. I'm scared for so much. What if he doesn't come back to me....what if we're never the same after he leaves? He tries to be optomistic but I can't. I am so scared.

I'm holding my phone in my hand trying to figure out what i want. I know he's be over here in a heartbeat but i don't know...He'd make it better, but why don't I want him to? I just want to be held while I cry. I'm so weak right now. Do I even want him to see that? Plus he had some heavy discussion with his mom tonight and I don't want it to seem like I just want attention. Like too much was focused on him so now I'm throwing some childish fit to bring it back to me. He was so happy today and I know I just ruined it.

Poison Oak - Bright Eyes

"Let the poets cry themselves to sleep. And all their tearful words, turn back into steam. "

I'm right back where I was before. I thought I was past this but it's all back. So fast, so sudden. It's like i'm back 3 months ago curled up on the floor trying to crumble into myself. Is this me forever? Why am I so afraid all the time?