Not again...

I'm so sad...I'm holding in the sobs that I know people will hear and it's so hard that it makes my head throb. Adam knew something was up so I told him I was sad because either way, I was going to be alone when Chelsy left. Either mission or boyfriend. But he'll be gone too. I am sad about that. I was afraid of being alone when everything fell apart before and I can't help but be afraid it will happen again. I will miss her so much. She's the only real friend I've ever had. You can't just make relationships like that out of nothing. I know it will never be the same again. I don't want it to change.

But the worst part is that that's not even it...I don't know why my heart hurts so badly right now. Earlier today everything was wonderful. It was pouring rain outside but I was happy. Everything was beautiful and I felt good. Better than I've ever felt before even. So why is this happeneing? WHy can't i just be happy...who's doing this to me...Part of me wants to ask him to come back and make this all go away, but I don't want him to see me this way. I don't want to be a burden. It's so senseless and I know he'll talk and try and make it better when I don't even know what can. I just want to cry. It feels good in some twisted way. I know it will be better tomorrow. I'm scared for so much. What if he doesn't come back to me....what if we're never the same after he leaves? He tries to be optomistic but I can't. I am so scared.

I'm holding my phone in my hand trying to figure out what i want. I know he's be over here in a heartbeat but i don't know...He'd make it better, but why don't I want him to? I just want to be held while I cry. I'm so weak right now. Do I even want him to see that? Plus he had some heavy discussion with his mom tonight and I don't want it to seem like I just want attention. Like too much was focused on him so now I'm throwing some childish fit to bring it back to me. He was so happy today and I know I just ruined it.

Poison Oak - Bright Eyes

"Let the poets cry themselves to sleep. And all their tearful words, turn back into steam. "

I'm right back where I was before. I thought I was past this but it's all back. So fast, so sudden. It's like i'm back 3 months ago curled up on the floor trying to crumble into myself. Is this me forever? Why am I so afraid all the time?

Awww

he's sleeping on my lap right now, which comically makes it very difficult to type, but he's so sweet. And it's times like this when I love him unconditionally. We talked about marriage again tonight and when we wanted to have kids. Ive realized a change int he way I look at htings now. I really want to have kids. But not just any, I want to have his children and raise them with him. Diego said he would make a good father and I agree wholeheartedly. He said it might be nice to have a baby a couple months after graduation. it would be convenient but he failed to take into account that I would be super pregnant during finals and graduation. as if it wasn't stressful enough. "You don't mind being very obviously pregnant walking throught the graduation line do you?" haha he's so funny. i was relaly hyper tonight. We laughed a lot. That's how life would always be with him. We would always laugh. I want that so badly. It seems so normal to htink of a future with him. Everyday we're together, it becomes more and more real. I can't believe how badly I want it. I love him. now I'm going to kiss him goodnight. I wish he didnt have to go.

So Much To Say...

I love him. I want to marry him. And I think I will. We've talked about it a lot. He really scared me one night saying that in his Patriarchal Blessing, it said that there was one person out there for him and that when he was looking to find this person, he should turn to prayer. That scared me so much because I didn't know if it was me or not, but he told me later that he had thought about it a lot and that he thinks we will end up together. that I am not wasting my time. The night he told about that part of his blessing, we went and watched The Adjustment Bureau and it was crazy similar to our situation. We both kind of freaked out. But we think it was a sign. Heavenly Father trying to tell us something. We talk about being together all the time. We talk about our kids, where we'll live, what we'll do. We actually have a plan. We both agreed it would be weird to get engaged  before he went to China because we wouldn't be together so we'll save that for after. Although I am terrified of him coming back and not wanting me. When we talked about that though, I asked him what would happen if things changed and his answer showed me that us not being together had not even crossed his mind. He just said that either we would be right where we are now, in love and eager to be together, and stronger because of the distance, or we would have to work to stay strong together. That was very comforting. So after China, he said that he doesn't want to wait for Spring, that he just wants to be with me. Which I totally agree with even though a winter wedding is not appealing to me. Turns out I'm in love and I'm so ready. I guess I am one of those girls. But "one of those girls" doesn't have the same meaning to me anymore. It's not a negative thing. It's something I should have been envious of all along. They're the ones who had it right. They found their eternal companion and held onto it. How could that be a bad thing? We don't know what temple to get married in. Neither of us really care. I'm going to start meetings with the bishop tomorrow. I will be ready to be with Adam as soon as he is. I love him so much. After we get married, we will live in a basement apartment, humble beginnings as he put it, and we will finish school. From the sounds of it, I think he has decided against medical school. He said it was because when he made that decision, I wasn't in his life and now spending that much time away from me is unappealing. So he will probably go into business which will be good for him. He is so smart, personable, driven, and he speaks Chinese. He also has connections in New Cannan so he will be successful no matter what. That has never been important to me but it is appealing. So he will go to business school at Harvard (wow) and we will live one the East coast. At that point we will probably start having kids. Then we will live in China for about 2 years so he can do business stuff there and we will adopt a Chinese daughter. Ever since I found out that's a dream of his, it's become a dream of mine. I notice them everywhere. Except they're always teenage girls. I think about what mothering her would be like. I think I would like it. Our kids will be so cute. I can't wait. I want to be his wife now.

He went shopping in salt lake with his aunt and cousins. they had some really good deals and if you spent a certain amount of money you got a free pearl necklace so he combined receipts with them and got it for me. It's beautiful. I never want to take it off. We're going back to those stores this wednesday. We will go shopping, then to dinner, then to the hot tub at snowbird and read a book or something. It's going to be a great date. It's so weird to me to look back at how things were in the beginning and see how I could have ever not loved him. He's everything to me now. He's the most important person in my life. I enjoy every moment I spend with him and always miss him when he's gone. I never get sick of being around him and we always have so much fun! He makes me a very fun and friendly person. we were casually talking to another couple at redbox and it was so much fun. We would be the cool couple everyone wants to hang out with. I've started talking to Jaime at work. I think me and her will end up being friends. I want to have married friends now. I want to leave my single life behind. We went to marriage prep last sunday. It was really fun. We are very evenly matched. We will make an excellent couple. I want it to happen so badly but I can't help but be scared. I've invested so much into this...what if the message he's been getting is that i'm just right for him NOW and not forever? I pray to God every night that he won't take Adam away from me...If it had to happen, I know it would be for the best, but it would tear he apart.

We're going to New York to meet his family. He invited me and I am very excited. His mom has a lot of fun things planned. We're going to a broadway show, speedboat tour around the sites, and adam says we're going on a sunset sailboat ride. How romantic is that?? Being with him is like being in a love movie. Everything he says and does is a dream. He tells me he loves that I'm so alive. Loves hearing me breathe and feeling my heartbeat. I love the way he feels when he wraps his arms around me and lays on my chest. We discussed that and I discovered that he does know he lays on my bosom but it's not a lustful thing. It's just comfy. And I like that. We playfully smack eachother on the butt. I think it's funny and we both like it. Our relationship is so healthy. Well balanced, fun, and so pure. We never kiss for more than...well he says 20 seconds but i think it's more like 10. We don't make out. At all. I love that. It's not that I odn't want to, I would love to just kiss him all the time, but the purity is so much more appealing. We talk about everything. Even sex. We talked about how neither of us know how you go from making out being a really bad thing to having sex when you're married and it not taking over the relationship. I guess you just have to be married to know. We laugh together all the time. It's so fun. Everyhting is fun with him. He says I have another surprise besides the pearls. I think it has something to do with Mauro. Work is awesome. I love working with him too. It's a blast. I'm really good at my job.

Welp, I'm sleepy. There's probably more. I will write it later.

He loves me

I've felt it for a while now. Those words almost escape my lips every time I have to say goodbye. When he carries me to my bed when I fall asleep in his arms, all I can think to say is "I love you" but I always held back because I don't want to scare him away. But tonight he said to me "I'm just going to throw something out there........I think I'm falling in love with you" I was so taken aback. I didn't know what to say even though my feelings for him are so clear. Finally I choked out an "I love you too" and I am so happy. He said that I make sense. Being with me makes sense and he has thought a lot about going to Beijing this summer, wondering if he needs to make a decision about me before he leaves. I told him my mind was going two ways, one: tell him he never has to worry because no other person or amount of time could change my feelings for him, or two: let him be scared so I can keep him. He laughed and said thank you for not keeping him scare. "So you won't forget about me if we're not engaged when I leave?" Of course not silly boy. He means so much to me. My family met him and love him to death. It's intimidating because if I had to move on from him, I don't know that I could find another who would be up to par. Life with him would be so perfect. I want it so badly. I've never wanted anything as badly as I want him. But it's so scary. I'm not scared of being with him because I know I could. I'm scared of making such a big step. I'm so young. We both are. What if I'm missing out on something big? What if it would change my life? And do I even care? I know that if he asked me to be his wife tomorrow, I would say yes without hesitation and just put all those fears aside. So I guess that surety  is my answer. I must want to be with him because being without him would be unbearable. He told me that he was going to ask me a personal question and that he ever want or need to know specifics, but he wanted to know when I would have a temple reccomend. That meant so much to me. It never occured to me that a good man would put my past in my past and keep it there without a second thought. If God can forgive and remember no more, then my future husband should too. I was so relieved. It hurts me so much...knowing that I'm holding us back. I'm going to meet with the bishop as soon as possible. The idea of one day soon telling Adam I want to go to the temple with him on a Saturday morning is...blissful. I love him. And he loves me. I am so happy.