Smitten

It's been a while since I wrote anything and there's a lot to say. First, things with Adam have been on and off. Sometime's I'm really into him, sometimes I'm not at all and I come to the conclusion that I'm going to break it off. But then, we always go for a drive and have these great talks and he always changes my mind. I know it's worth a try and he always reminds me of that. Tonight it was so easy. We had a talk in his car last night and I told him that maybe part of the reason why I haven't grown closer to him is because he doesn't let me in in the same way I let him in. I am a very open and honest person and I told him that he isn't very open. He hides his emotions a lot. If he's sad or upset, I can usually tell, but not with any help from him. He always puts on that same smile as if he's hiding himself from the rest of the world. I told him this and he said it terrified him because that's exactly how his dad is and a big part of the reason why his parents are getting divorced. So if nothing else comes from us being together, at least I helped him realize that. One thing I admire about him so much is that he yearns for perfection. He wants to be the best person he can be, and he doesn't just think, "Ya it would be great if I could be like this or change this about myself," he actually does it! I love that.

I think he makes me a better person. I am so much more involved in the church with him in my life. I realized yesterday that when I had pretty much decided that I was going to break things off, I immediately felt lost again. Like my life had no purpose. I felt unstable. It's good having him around. You might be asking yourself, "Why is she so optimistic right now?" You might also be asking yourself, "Who is this 'you' she is referring to?" Well I'll tell you. First off, I'm pretty sure chelsy is the only one who reads this but I'm ok with that. Maybe one day I'll share it with someone else, but that will be a big deal. I am an honest person, but this has so many of my secrets. So much of my thoughts that not many people hear. Only one person hears actually. And that's my beloved Chelsy :) Second, I am so optimistic tonight because of my talk with Adam.

Today was a really good day. I was looking forward to seeing him all day and it payed off. I texted him today and it wasn't forced. It was because I wanted to talk to him. He made me laugh a lot with his texts. A few of them were pictures of his reaction to what I said. It was super funny. I laughed out loud. But that's beside the point. Here's the poing (.) and I'm beside it. (me)      (.)  That looks like a boob doesn't it...stupid breast cancer awareness post of facebook! This part is going to be embarrassing if Adam ever reads this. But this should fix it. Hey Adam, remember that one time when you came over to my apartment and I caught you staring at my roommate's boobs? Twice? Haha...problem solved.

So tonight Adam came to my door, finally, and said, "Hey, you have shoes on. Come to the lodge with me." then that super cute smile he does. I don't know how to describe it but I like it so much. So we went and he told me about how he had called his mom today telling her he needed help because he was his dad. She was at the gym and got advice from the other ladies there too which I thought was funny. I am going to have such a reputation by the time I meet this woman for real. Wow did I just say that? Apparently I plan on meeting Adam's mom. I would like that. She sounds like a funny lady. Anyways, she said that when her and her husband went to marriage counseling, the counselor told them to write lists of the things they appreciate about eachother. He said his dad's was kind of lame, filled with things like, "I love that you keep the house clean. I love that you're good with bills." Completely devoid of emotion. So then he said, that's what he did. At this point I thought the list was about him. Things he hides or things he likes about himself. I wasn't sure but I was sure excited to hear it! Then he said I had asked him why he liked me a couple of times and he never felt like he gave an adequate answer. This is when I realized the list was about me. I asked him if it was and he said yes. then I got really nervous. I couldn't stop smiling. He said that this was very hard for him, showing so much emotion, but he wanted to read it to me. This is what it said:

For Gabrielle,

Why do I like you? (In no particular order)

1.Gabby, you have so much personality. YOu are so alive! There are interesting people, and there are boring people, and you are definitely not the boring kind. And even thought our personalities are different, it's so exciting to me to feel your energy when you let it show; You make me feel more alive when you shine!

2. As different as we are, I've also found so many little things that we both love, and every time I have, it has given me pause and made me think more than once, "Wow, I really like this girl." We harmonize (and sound GOOOOD), we both play a variety of instruments (thoughts when you told me you play Five For Fighting on the piano, "Where have you been all my life!?!?"), you like those Japanese Miyazaki films (nobody knows about those!), you love cats (so many great youtube videos...), and the list goes on. I love sharing those things with you.

3. I see in you so many traits and characteristics that I wish I possessed, and I love when they rub off on me. You bring out parts of me that don't often see the light of day, given my background and upbringing. I feel more relaxed, more at ease, more funny, and generally great about who I am when I'm around you.

4. You are beautiful, and not just when you have had the time to make yourself up; I've seen you with frizzy hair, or over long weekends, and nothing changes. You are naturally beautiful and always look amazing. If I haven't made it clear, if I haven't found the words to say, I want you to know that I find you very attractive. I don't know how you felt, but the first time you laid your head on my shoulder, the first time you held my hand, and nearly every time since then, you've sent warm shivers down my spine. I never want those moments to end.

Some things I would greatly miss without you:

1. Your funny noises (SMOOT!!) ... they are adorable.

2. The way you smell ... I don't know if it's your perfume or what, but you always smell amazing, and it makes my heart beat a little bit faster every time I breathe you in.

3. Doing things I love with you ... so much better than doing those same things without you! Dancing, skiing, working at Gloria's, and you seem so excited about soccer games, the symphony, ice skating...

4. Talking with you...I feel so comfortable talking to you about anything, and so often come away from conversations with you happier, smarter, and uplifted.

These lists are by no means comprehensive; with you it's always been the more time I spend with you, the longer the list gets. But I've thought long and hard and mean everything I have written. The point of all this is, no matter what happens, I don't want there to be any doubt or confusion in your mind of how I feel about you and what you mean to me. Turns out you mean a lot.

With love, your friend, and complicated boyfriend,

Adam

Wow...he is amazing. I get to be with this guy. This considerate, loving, sweet, thoughtful, smart, AMAZING man! He uses semicolons...I don't even know what those do. He sounds so intelligent when he speaks and when he was saying these things to me, I could tell he wanted me to know he meant them. He was so passionate when he spoke. He's a good speaker. He said he wanted me to have it and gave it to me in a little red envelope used for Chinese New Year. He said money is usually given in them and I told him this was so much better. Then I took it from his hand and took his hands in mine and sincerely kissed him. I felt there was no other way to express how he had touched my heart. It was a very sweet kiss too. Soft and sweet. The kind I love, when our foreheads touch and it lingers but not for too long. The kind that leaves you longing for the other person. I don't know what the days to come will bring, but right now I know what I'm feeling. I've felt it before. Not just because of this, but because of all he is and all he has been for me, I think I'm starting to fall in love with Adam. I would be the luckiest girl alive to end up with him. I'm not going to let this opportunity slip past me. If it fails, it won't be for lack of me trying.

When I thought of me ending up with someone, it was never a man like him. I always knew men like him existed, but i never thought I would be worthy of one. I am so glad he's in my life. We're going to have lunch tomorrow. I wan to do something nice for him. like I used to for past boyfriends before they discouraged me. I am happy.