Tonight I went to my class for the first time in quite a while but I was so happy to do it. I'm getting my life back in order and it feels good. I feel like I have purpose again. Adam had a wake to go to for his Grandpa so he wasn't available until later in the night. I think today I decided to be a Public Relations emphasis in the Communications major. It seemed like a good fit for me. The woman was listing qualities PR majors have and all of them fit me. They were:
Good writing and logic skills
Good research skills
Like working with people
Have a "way with words: and bring new perspectives
High self esteem - people are interested in what you have to say
Able to take criticism and correction well
Opinionated
Flexible (ability to revise your opinion if conditions indicate you should)
High tolerance for ambiguity (not set on having a schedule, fine if things change on a dime)
It sounded pretty good to me. I think I could do it. But the Advertising focus looked really fun and I consider myself to be creative so I'm really not sure. My only problem with advertising is that it looked like a major for dumb people who only have creativity going for them and I don't respect those people at all so how could I be expected to work in that environment?
Anyways, he texted me while I was in class and said he was going to whisk me away again. I really like it when he does that. I got home and ate dinner and for some reason, decided to put chapstick on. A good choice in retrospect. Side note, I did my hair curly today. It looks good but considering the events that transpired, I wish I would have straightened it so it didn't seem like what happened, happened to someone else. I got to his door and he said something about my hair being wavy. It didn't seem like he liked it but that could just be my insecurities talking. Anyways, we went up to a path in the canyon and walked for a while. It was a beautiful night. Not to cold, but not hot yet. The stars were beautiful and the mountains looked amazing. I should have known what was coming but I was just focusing on the beauty of the scene before me. He's so good at being romantic.
While we were walking, I saw a potential path up some rocks and thought it would be cool to climb up so, just like me, without regard to the other person, I started my ascent. He followed willingly, he has said I march to the beat of my own drum so he must be used to it by now. We get up to a good sitting spot and looked at the view of Provo. I told him I kind of liked having poor vision sometimes because it made the lights blur together into a beautiful sparkling bunch. We made small talk for a while then he said, "Well, I have to admit, I did have a plan here." I said, "Oh? And what was that?" then he said, "I think I've waited long enough to kiss you. (At this point I got embarrassed and turned away) Is that ok with you?" I laughed a nervous laugh and said, "Yes, I think so." All the while freaking out because I couldn't make eye contact but how was he going to kiss me if I didn't face him? He just said, come here, and pulled me into him and kissed me. Problem. Me and Chelsy had made this elaborate alternate reality where when Adam kissed me, it would be sweet and magical. Tender and pure. But I guess him not having a girlfriend for 3 years overpowered that. It was a hungry kiss. I was glad his eyes were closed because there is no way I could have hidden my disappointment. My mind was reeling. I couldn't help but thing of my first kiss with Chris. It was so innocent. So sweet. He kissed me because he cared about me, not because he wanted to kiss someone. I wish so badly it had been that way with Adam. I pulled away from him and started talking again. Then later, in an attempt to save what was left of my fairytale, I kissed him lightly on the cheek, but he said "Come on now" and pulled my face to his and kissed me again, the same way. If I hadn't put a stop to it both times, it would have been making out. That's not what I wanted for my first kiss with him. I pulled away kind of abruptly. I'm sure he noticed.
So now I'm left with this sad empty feeling. I was so sure I wouldn't have to deal with this with him. He's so good. I was convinced he didn't have hormones. And now I can't stop thinking about the sweet kiss with Chris, and the affectionate meaningful kisses with Levi. We did have those towards the end. I liked it. I'll give it time and see if he stops. But I don't need another guy I have to keep at arms length. That's precisely the reason I keep this tough girl guard up. I've been hurt. I don't want this to turn into another one of those situations. He even said, after I said I had never had someone ask if they could kiss me before, that he had been very careful with me because he never wanted me to think he was just out to "get some." Little did he know, his actions spoke so much louder than his words. I wish I could talk to Levi right now. I still miss him. I feel like it might be worldly things that are keeping me with Adam right now. I feel like this is what I need to be doing, but should I be doing it if it's for the wrong reasons? He takes me to do such fun things. We're going to the festival of colors, the Utah Symphony, and the Real Salt Lake game with box seats valued at $200 dollars. I would lead a life of luxury with him. But I always knew that's not what I wanted. I want love. Pure and sweet. I just want to find someone to give it to me. I'm sad right now. I knew all the other things I did left me empty and alone but I didn't think a kiss could do it. Hopefully he can make me feel loved for more than the physical before I get scared away.
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