I can't sleep

Dear Adam,

I can't get to sleep right now. It's late and I know I need to get to bed because I have class tomorrow and so much to do. But everything is bad right now. I can't clear my mind. I went out into the living room to get my fan because someone moved it and there was a swarm of flies. It was horrible. I spent a very long time killing them. They're everywhere and that freaks me out. Then there's the fact that I have homework and work and other things I need to do. It feels like everything is weighing down on me right now. Lastly, one thing you said keeps popping into my head from last night. I told you about the time frame of what I have done and it was different from what you thought. I told you about the guy I was involved with who led me to believe we would be in a relationship when he was ready and you responded in a way that seemed judgemental. I know you didn't mean to, I don't think you would do that. But right now it's driving me crazy. I don't know what's going on. I know these are all little things that shouldn't bother me but I can't take it right now. I'm so shaken and scared. I'm terrified that you're over there hating what I've done and trying really hard to get over it, but all the while not being able to forgive me. I was hoping you would be online so I could talk to you and I saw earlier that you had come on but then it listed you as away. It's silly and stupid but I couldn't help but think maybe you put your status as away because you didn't want to talk to me, because you couldn't after all we talked about last night. I know I'm freaking out and it's all stupid but this is one of those times when I can't control what I'm feeling. I am so alone right now. I wish you were here but I can't shake the feeling that even if you were, you wouldn't want to be. I'm so scared and hurt and broken. How am I supposed to get over this Adam? How can I expect you to? I hate this feeling and I don't know if it will ever leave me. I don't want you to have to deal with it. I want you with me so badly right now. I want you to hold me and reassure me. Tell me that soon I won't have to live in filth and infested housing, that me and you will have our own place that we can keep clean and tidy. I wish you were here to help me with all of the assignments and finals that seem to be bogging down on me and remind me that in the grand scheme of things, it's all so small. I want you to tell me you love me, that all of this will pass and that you can forgive me for everything, that you don't hold it against me and that you won't ever leave me. I know it seems like it should be enough that I can tell myself all these things but it's not. I just feels like a lie. I never knew how much I needed someone to lean on until I got you. And now you're gone and I'm afraid you're slipping away. I just want to be ok. I want everything to go away. I want to stop crying and being irrational. I want you to hold me when I feel like this because I need that so badly right now. I need to feel secure and loved because I just don't right now. I feel like I'm falling but the ground is nowhere in sight. I feel like there's no way you could ever forget all I've done, that it will always resurface and I'll never be able to outrun it. I'm so sorry. I don't want this for you. I don't want you to have to deal with someone as broken as me.I wish this wasn't me. I need you so badly right now. 

I dont even know if I'm going to send this. I haven't decided yet. It wouldn't really help anything. There's not anything you can do. But I guess it would let you inside and show you everything I am. I guess this is a part of me no matter how badly I want it to go away. I know it will be gone by morning, it always is. But the problems will still be there. I'll still be scared and insecure. I'll still have doubts and problems. I just want to be ok...I need you here right now. I need you to hold me and help me through this. But you're not. You're a million miles away. And I'm alone.